“I’m the loneliest I have ever been in my life.” Those are the words I heard coming out of my mouth when over lunch one day, my friend asked me how I was doing.
This took us both by surprise but especially me. Even though I knew what I said was true, I had not been experiencing many of the emotions that seem to attach themselves to loneliness. No depression, no tiredness, no bitterness. I hadn’t been waking up every day dreading what lay ahead of me. But I had to admit. I was lonely.
A few months ago, I started a new job. One I’m sure God called me to. It was definitely a move I needed and wanted to make. Change though, even in the best of circumstances, always brings with it an awkward season that only time can cure. I left behind a really good job but more importantly, I left behind some really good relationships, that had taken years to build. And, we all know that even though a change like this does not destroy good relationships, it definitely changes them.
I’m a very relational person. I don’t do well alone. But, with some really good friendships left behind and some new ones yet to be formed, I find myself feeling lonely. Very lonely. But I’m realizing that for right now in my life, it’s a good thing. In the last few months I have reconnected with my family in ways that a few months ago, I would not have had time for. I have had to increase my dependence on God, or should I say, remember my dependence on God. I have spent many hours alone, but not unhappy.
It’s different. Sometimes God can do his best work in us and through us when we are alone. Sometimes it takes removing the subjectivity of friends and fellow workers to be able to honestly evaluate where you are and where you want to go. More importantly, sometimes it takes being alone to be able to honestly evaluate who you are and who you want to become.
Robert Murray M’Cheyne wrote: “A man is what he is, on his knees before God, and nothing more.” I think sometimes we all need that kind of loneliness.
My loneliness will end in due time and I will feel normal again. I just hope I don’t leave behind the lessons learned during this season of my life.
